Do You Need To Love Yourself For Others To Love You? A Top Psychologist In India Gives Her Insight Into Self-Love And How It Is Tied To Happy Relationships
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
The internet is stacked with self-care and self-love tips. It is easy to follow them when your mind is not consumed with anxiety and your heart is not pumping with constant worry.
I mean, how to even apply a face-pack when you can’t even seem to force yourself out of bed to pee?
Self-love is a complicated process, and the fact that many people believe that it is a crucial ingredient in happy romantic relationships makes it even more intriguing.
Does that mean that if I don’t love the big black mole on my face, nobody else could love me?
Well, our mind was spinning with the contradicting theories so we decided to ask our top psychologist in India to offer his valuable insight into the idea of self-love and its connection with fulfilling relationships.
“Self-love does not necessarily mean engaging in a 7 steps skin routine or drinking 6 liters of water each day. Those habits are great for your health and well-being, and yes it helps to feel good about yourself.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
However, what I believe self-love is, is the commitment you make toward yourself. It is the willingness to become deeply aware of your own thoughts, actions, and beliefs. It is the courage to ask, ‘Does this habit or action contribute positively to my life?’, and it is the dedication to work on all those aspects of yourself that are stopping you from living the life that truly makes you feel happy and content.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
Self-love is making conscious choices every single day”.
Hm, choices. That makes me reflect upon all my love-related decisions. Does the fact that I chose to ignore the red flags and settle for a hot and cold relationship mean that I don’t really love myself?
“Let’s not judge ourselves here. The choices we make in relationships are influenced by many factors. But yes, it is important to contemplate our choices and understand what makes us stay in unhappy relationships. As I said before, self-love is also the courage to change what is not serving your best interests. However, many of us are scared of change and that is the reason why we seek familiar outcomes even when they make our lives miserable”
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
Wow, that almost feels like a personal attack!
Let me share a story with you. This story is about a woman named Ray. She was born into an average Indian family. Her father was a strict man who imposed restrictions on Ray and ensured that she has zero interaction with the opposite gender.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
Ray’s mom had run away from the house and she never came back. She grew up without a mother and never had any healthy female relations. When Ray turned 16 years old she eloped with the college Romeo who had no source of livelihood or even a decent shelter above his head.
Ray’s family tried all methods to bring her back, but she was determined to stick with her decision. After a few years of bliss, and then her marriage turned into the worst nightmare. Her husband abused her in all the ways for 20 years.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
In these 20 years her father passed away and she could not even make it to the funeral. She gave birth to two children and struggled hard for their basic survival.
Finally, one day Ray was forced to run away from her monstrous husband. She had to abandon her children as well, a decision that weighs heavy on her heart even today.
Years passed by and Ray managed to secure a good job in the sales department and afford a rented house in the prime area of Mumbai. However, the ghosts of her past kept following her everywhere she went. She had a series of toxic relationships, extreme anger issues, a fallout with all her family members, and a bad reputation in her company.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
She believes that she is cursed and spends all her days feeling miserable about herself.
Ray is now 40 years old. She lives alone and does not have many friends to rely upon. She has cut herself from all her family and continues to fall in and out of unhealthy relationships.
Ray’s past was difficult. She went through the worst of storms and came out of them, but not stronger. Instead, she succumbed to her past and never allowed herself to heal from it completely. She even tried therapy but left it halfway because ‘it was not really working for her
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
All her life, she blamed others and her circumstances but hardly paid attention to her choices and decisions. She somewhere lost control of her mind, and let her emotions decide everything for her. She started believing that the world is a cruel place, and the world reciprocated the same energy toward her.
If you look at Ray’s exterior, you will feel that she has her life together. She dresses well and spends money on her salon appointments and parties like there is no tomorrow. But when you take a closer look, you will understand the emptiness within her. Her life is shaped by repetitive patterns and choices, and her refusal to change them.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
Why are we telling you this story? It is because Ray’s story helps us to understand what self-love is and how it impacts our intimate relationships.
Self-love is doing your inner work. It is accepting your shadow side, and taking conscious efforts to change unhealthy patterns of feelings, thinking, and acting.
Ray plays the victim card in all her relationships. She believes that everybody else is the villain in her story and she, is the damsel in distress. When you live with such a mindset, then life will serve you the exact same thing. Hence, all her partners ended up being narcissistic and abusive villains in her life.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
One cannot keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome. Self-love is learning from your mistakes as well. Accept and let go of your past but not without understanding the lessons you needed to learn.
Life can be simple if we make it simple. Relationships are an act of give and take. It is a place where you can learn the most about yourself if you are willing to open your heart and mind. Relationships can force you to confront your shadows, but if you choose to stay in denial then these same shadows will keep chasing you.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
So self-love is also the practice of working continually on yourself and understanding that the only thing you can change is yourself. It is the habit of leaving behind personality traits, thoughts, and actions that are bringing the same negative energy into your life.
For Ray, self-love would be more about taking control of her mind and stepping out of the reel world, and embracing the reality around her. By doing so she can change the course of her life, and give herself a fair chance to attract good men.
Top Psychologist In India- Holistic Living
The bottom line is that self-love is tied to happy and satisfying relationships. However, the foremost relationship is the one you have with yourself, and that is the one you need to work the most on.
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