Dealing With a Sexless Marriage for 6 Years…Shocking Condition
This article on sexless marriage and Vaginismus is a real-life experience. We sincerely hope you will refrain from any harsh judgments and loud opinions that may be hurtful and offensive. The purpose of sharing this story is strictly educational.
My wife is a beautiful woman, inside and out. With her pretty smile, dreamy eyes, and formidable spirit she can win me over a thousand times. We share a strong emotional connection, bursts of laughter, and our common love for classic novels. Our friends and family would often joke that we are one soul in two bodies. Apparently, we are so alike that we mirror each other.
But our story of love is tainted by one thing. I cannot have sex with her. Yes, our marriage is a sexless marriage. My wife has a condition called Vaginismus. It is a medical condition where a person experiences involuntary and recurrent of the muscles surrounding the vaginal opening, which can make vaginal penetration extremely painful or even impossible. These muscle contractions are often triggered by the anticipation of pain or fear associated with penetration.
I remember the first time when we tried to have intercourse after marriage. It was a frightening experience. It started off well with gentle kisses and caresses. But as we went a bit deeper into it my wife started shivering. At first, we thought it was because of sexual arousal. Sadly, we were wrong. She felt sharp pains around her vagina and screamed with terror. I immediately pulled off and assured her that we would do nothing unless she felt 100% comfortable.
We spent the rest of the night cuddling each other.
The same thing happened the next day and the next and the next. We even tried doing oral intercourse and after a few failed attempts gave up on that as well. My wife blamed and cursed herself for not being able to have intercourse. It broke my heart. Seeing a lively spirit like hers suffering from bouts of depression and self-doubts was too much to bear.
Finally, we decided to consult a doctor about our sexless marriage. That was when found out about this condition. The doctor suggested a few medications, regular pelvic exercises, and therapy. Medications helped reduce the anxiety associated with penetration but it came with other side effects. The exercises did not help at all. It only stressed my wife more and the futility of it made her condition worse.
We dragged this out for another year. It was now a total of 2 years of sexless marriage. She suggested that I should seek physical satisfaction somewhere else. I won’t lie, I found myself often thinking about it but the whole act of it filled me with guilt and remorse. I told her that if it was not with her then it would not be with anyone else either.
But every man and woman has needs and desires. Most days I could control my whims but there were certain days when I just wanted to experience the sheer pleasure of sex. I stuck to my abstinence for another 3 years. Another 3 years of sexless marriage.
Then came the dooming realization. It had been 5 years and there were no children. In a typical Indian family context, you can imagine the level of panic, assumptions, and taunts that we had to endure. My wife and I refused to give any explanation to anybody. It was our personal matter and I did not want our relationship to be a hot topic at family gatherings.
Yet, our sexless marriage and childless relationship was a hot topic. And that led to arguments and tension between us. We considered the idea of IV or adoption. However, by this time my wife was deeper into depression. She had taken it all on herself and her inability to have sex made her feel worthless. The strength in me was wavering as well. Patience gave way to irritability and I started resenting her.
I hated myself for feeling that way. But I did and I could not help it. This was a crucial point in our marriage. It could either break us or make us. My wife could sense it too. That is when she stepped up and took the call to consult a therapist and a marriage counselor.
She had been doing her research about this condition. It generally stemmed from psychological or emotional factors such as past traumatic experiences, negative beliefs about sex, sexual abuse, etc.
After a few sessions of therapy, my wife confronted me about her heart-shattering childhood incident. One of his father’s close friends had molested her multiple times when she was only 8 years old. The memory was buried deep within her. She remembered the pain but had forgotten why she felt it in the first place.
Then during one of the sessions, her therapist conducted Hypnotherapy. It was then that she found out this bitter truth. After another 3 months of therapy, my wife felt much better and lighter. It was extremely difficult for her but I knew that she would get through this as well.
On the other side, in marriage counseling, we worked on overcoming the condition together. The marriage counselor helped us to build trust, healthy communication, and different ways to explore our sexual desires and deal emotionally with a sexless marriage.
As my wife’s emotional trauma healed, the anxiety and fear attached to sexual intimacy reduced as well and so did the spasms.
But having sex like normal couples is still a long way to go. With therapy, exercises, and joint efforts in our marriage we are able to have oral intercourse and enjoy it immensely.
No, we don’t have children yet. We have not had sex as well. We are considering the idea of adoption and hopefully, it will happen for us soon. This is not a glamorous story of how a couple went from a sexless marriage to banging every night. It is just an ordinary story of two people who are too stubborn to be torn apart.
The reason why I chose to share my story is because I know how hauntingly worrisome this condition can be. Many suffer silently, dragging a sexless marriage or even resorting to infidelity. That is why sharing awareness about Vaginismus is extremely important so that people can take professional guidance and understand how to manage the challenges that come with having a sexless marriage.
Note from Mr. Sanjeev Mittal, Founder of Holistic Living
“Your well-being and quality of life are greatly affected by the relationships you build and nurture. And marriage is perhaps the most important one. I have seen many cases where couples were convinced that there was no way to save their marriage. Yet their simple choice of marriage counseling was enough proof that there was still a shining line of hope. No relationship will be free of challenges. It is how you choose to navigate them and at times even go that extra mile to secure the lovely bond once shared with your spouse. Marriage counseling certainly helps young and old couples to find their way back to each other. It is worth a shot.”
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